I visited my prior place of employment this week. They’re in a new office, but the walls are the same, if you can get that. A few of the scientists and geographers I knew have endured. Lots of new faces in the admin departments. Nice folk though. Seems like a good crew. The crew was never the problem. I don’t care what you sell or how revolutionary a product it is. Your team is your business and you’ll never be successful until you get that. I learned this from my dad.
I went in to help them with some new problems they were having with my old system. I’ve only had my toe in the game since Luke was born, but I walked into this building, sat down at a workstation, and eased right back into my position with no fuss and bother.
This is what I miss about a conventional job. I miss knowing my job well. I miss sitting down to a problem and knowing how to troubleshoot it. And I miss the team. It’s a good feeling, knowing that you’re good at something and that you fit right in there.
Let me be clear. I do not miss my old job. I am a much happier, less stressed out person now that I am self-employed. But work’s been thin lately and that satisfaction from conquering an arduous task that you are completely qualified for is not as readily acquired from folding the laundry or making macaroni and cheese for lunch. It’s not that these tasks aren’t crucial to my little team here at home. I know that no one on Earth can mother my child as well as I can, and I see that Luke knows that too. But the daily tasks of putting away the toys and reading Runaway Bunny (again) build and climb on each other in a way so that you never really feel like you can say, “Check. Got that task off my list. What’s next?”
I know shall never be a prima ballerina, but in dance class, from time to time when I hit that jump just right or when I prep a turn knowing it’s going to work and I land it just right, I can say to myself, “I did that as well as I possibly could.” Perhaps what it really is, is really knowing for a brief moment that you control your own mind or limbs or destiny, that you are completely employing your resources to the task at hand.
This feeling does not arise when I match a pair of clean socks.
There are so many unknowns in parenting. It’s the most important job I’ll ever undertake but I’m not sure I’ll ever feel like I really have it down. Maybe no one ever does.