Title Wave

Towards the end of my shift at the library this morning, I came across a lone reference book on my cart of fiction.

“Hello. What are you doing here?”

Turned out to be a knitting book. I raised an eyebrow at it and turned a few pages. One of the advantages of shelving books is the cool stuff that literally jumps into your hands begging to be borrowed.

I put the book on an empty lower shelf on my cart.

“You can follow me home.”

“And when exactly do you expect you’ll have time to read that?” I asked myself.

“It’s a knitting book, not a novel.”

“And when exactly do you expect you’ll have time to knit anything from that book?”

“Look, me, a knitting book is like a picture book. It’s something to peruse while I’m having a cup of tea. I know I’m busy. I know it’s almost Christmas. I don’t need me reminding myself how busy I am.”

“Clearly.”

“Knitting books don’t count.”

I pushed the cart down a few rows of shelves and grabbed another handful of books. Somewhere in the Bs, I slid a book onto the shelf next to a selection of Barbara Brettons. A tattered cover covered with balls of yarn caught my attention. I pulled it out and read the back. A sorceress who runs a yarn shop in a town filled with mythical creatures who knit. I smiled. The book joined the reference volume on my lower cart shelf.

“That is not a knitting book,” alter-me pointed out.

Me: It has knitting in it.

Alter-me: No pictures, no patterns, lots of little words that take actual time to read.

Me: Look, Jiminy Cricket, I’m not spending money and I’m not eating chocolate. Don’t you have something better to do? Maybe the cops in Davis need some help with that big jaywalking problem they have. Be gone.

Alter-me: I’m just pointing out that this is an actual book requiring time to read.

Me: Knitting books don’t count. Besides, witches who knit with vampires in their stitch-in-bitch groups... How could I not read this book? Dude.

Alter-me: You could note the title and check it out another time. Perhaps even as an audiobook so it’s not a completely heinous waste of time.

Me: I don’t have any paper.

iPhone (muffled from back pocket): I could take a picture-

Alter-me: Don’t even get me started on you.

Me: Hush, dear one. It’s best you stay out of this.

I was officially not speaking to myself by the time I hit the middle of the alphabet. I pushed through short fiction and into graphic novels.

Me: Oooh, a Serenity. I haven’t read this one.

Alter-me: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Me: Oh come on. You like these as much as I do.

Alter-me: It’s a comic book!

Me: Graphic novel.

Alter-me: Let’s not get into semantics. You’ve got two com-

Me: -Graphic novels-

Alter-me: -ic books by your bed that you haven’t touched yet. Why? Because you have no time.

Me: Picture book. Easy read. Shiny.

I tossed the Serenity volume on my stack. It really was a stack now. Three books constitutes a stack.

Alter-me: I can’t believe-

Me: I said shiny.

I turned the stack upside down so no library patrons perusing my cart would steal my treasures while I was shelving the last of my charges.

After I returned my mostly empty cart to the basement and relieved it of its lower shelf treasures, I took a quick swing through the hold-request shelves to see if any of my special orders were in, and since I was on that side of the building, I took a tour through the audiobooks for good measure.

Me: Elizabeth Gaskell... Ania was telling me to read this.

Alter-me: That is neither knitting nor a picture book.

Me: It’s an audiobook.

Alter-me: The exceptions continue. Exactly how many audiobooks do you already have queued up on that blasted contraption in your back pocket?

Me: Five.

Alter-me: And how many hours of your life is that?

iPhone: I could calculate-

Me & Alter-me: Shut up.

iPhone: Shutting.

Me: Look shoulder-angel, poof off. I may be busy and I may be wasting my time, but it’s my time to waste. I’m still the boss around here.

Alter-me: Are not.

Me: Am so.

Alter-me: Are not.

Me: Am so.

Alter-me: Are not.

Me: Oh yes? Who’s holding the library card?

Alter-me: You’re going to get late fees.

Me: I really dislike stubborn know-it-alls.

Alter-me: Takes one to know one.

Me: Piss off.

iPhone: Can I come out now?

Me & Alter-me: No.