How to Play Anarchy Kickball

September 23, 2008 - 3:02pm -- swingbug

If you want to play some version of baseball but don’t have the required players or skills, may I suggest Anarchy Kickball to you?

Anarchy Kickball is played with roughly 8 players. The required ball is of the playground variety and at least 16” in diameter. 24” is better. If that sucker’s coming at you in right field, you should be crossing yourself before you get under it to make the catch.

There are no teams in Anarchy Kickball. Every man for himself. At any given time there is one kicker and a slew of outfielder congregated around bases and sprinkled through the outfield. The cumbersome and confining position titles like “center field” and “short stop” have been replaced with the far more convenient “Oy! You! Back up! There’s a big ass hole over there.”

If you manage to acquire a kick (and shame on you if you don’t - the ball is bigger than the sun) you run the bases and are on offense until you score a run or are tagged out. Lobbing the ball directly at a runner to acquire an out is fair play.

Bases are represented by any non-breakable flat object at hand. Frisbees work well, as do paper plates. If the paper plates blow around in the wind, you play them where they land. Geometry is for sissies.

There is no catcher. Because no one misses the ball there is nothing to catch. Catching is boring. There is also no home plate, when there is a close call between a runner and defense when scoring a run, the determination is made by all players in impromptu and unqualified vote yelled across the field. Yelling the loudest counts as two votes.

Bowling over the toddler running around on the field with either ball or body is an immediate out. And a black eye from the mother.

You keep your own score. One point for every time you cross what would be home plate, if home plate existed which it doesn’t. And there are no score keepers, so feel free to cheat.

While running the bases remember that you have no team. There is no need to be supportive to your fellow players. If the kicker aims the ball right at the base you’re running at, cursing that player is entirely acceptable. He probably did it on purpose, anyway. Bastard.

While on base you may also catch a pop-up to cause an out to the kicker. You better not drop it though, or you’re out. Oh, don’t forget to tag up before you proceed lest you cause an unintentional double-play. The appropriate response from your fellow players at this point would be to mock you ceaselessly and without mercy.

There is no infield fly rule. The infield fly rule is stupid.

Take turns kicking. Play until you get bored or bitten by too many mosquitos. And if you happen to playing on International Talk Like a Pirate Day, say “Arrrr” a lot.

That last one isn’t exactly a rule. It’s more what you would call a guideline.

Related Topics: